I was supposed to go to bed an hour ago. That was my plan anyway, right after I’d sent an email that I’d put off longer than I should have.
So I wrote the email and sent it and then read and responded to a few more emails and clicked on a link in one of them, which took me to a blog post, which I read, and that reminded me of a book I’d heard good things about from a friend, so I googled it and read a couple of book reviews and decided I did indeed want to read it, so I went to the library website to put it on hold, only the library didn’t have it, so I went to Amazon and they of course had it, only it didn’t cost enough to qualify for free shipping, so I poked around a bit trying to find something I wanted that would put me over the requisite $25, and after reading several reviews of several books, I happened to look at the clock on my computer and was horrified to realize I had wasted more than an hour surfing the web.
I could have been sleeping! I could have taken a shower. Or folded all that laundry that’s always piled up on my bed. Or journaled. Or read a book. Or prayed – any number of things both more useful and more enjoyable than websurfing (well, except maybe the laundry).
I slam my laptop shut, shove it off my lap, and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
When Doug comes in, I spit out my toothpaste. “I didn’t mean to websurf! I was going to go to bed! An hour ago!”
He laughs. “Me, too.”
“I do not understand my own actions,” I quote St. Paul, “for I do not do what I want to do, but I do what I do not want to do.”
Doug nods. “Isn’t that the truth?”
I rinse out my mouth and keep quoting, “Who will deliver me from this body of death?”
Doug rolls his eyes. “I think you’re taking this a little far, Kimberlee. It’s only 10:30. It’s not like you stayed up till midnight.”
“That’s not the point.” I yank floss off the spool. “The point is that I didn’t want to websurf. I wanted to go to bed. But I got sucked in. Again!”
Getting sucked in is what invariably happens when I open my computer in the evening after the kids are in bed. I have no self-control where the internet is concerned: all those fascinating posts about books! All the thoughtful posts about living a contemplative life!
I spend my evenings reading posts about books instead of reading books. And I read posts about living a contemplative life that is rooted and grounded in God instead of living a contemplative life that is rooted and grounded in God.
I think this is what virtual reality means.
I’ve read the review, so I don’t need to read the book. I’ve read the post about prayer, so I don’t need to pray.
It’s a lie, of course, and a weak one. But I believe it far more often than I should.
I finish flossing, wash my face, and go to bed. I need to sleep – when I’m tired, I struggle more with anxiety, not to mention impatience.
But I lie in bed, awake, my mind whirling with images and ideas and the idols of the internet.
Wretched girl that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
I am a reader (I feel about books the way some people feel about chocolate: yum), a writer (I've written a book, even: The Circle of Seasons: Meeting God in the Church Year), and a mother (of four). So that's what I blog about: reading, writing, and raising my kids.
me too. i’d recommend a computer fast, but then again i’m an avid reader of your blog and i don’t think i could let you.
try again tonight, i bet you’ll make it!!
Yes, and me too! It’s been dawning on me recently, how I used to get so much more done, back in the days before the laptop changed my life (and not necessarily for the better).
Oh yes…you’re writing the story of my life now. Sigh…
You’re no longer allowed to read my blog after 8pm
But seriously, great points–especially about virtual living. I wonder sometimes if the next exodus of “desert fathers and mothers” (we’re overdue, I think) will not involve moving into a physical desert, but a technological one.
Well, that’s certainly an interesting thought: the technological desert. Besides Wendell Berry, does anyone have that kind of courage? You really would be a voice crying (alone) in the wilderness. I’m sure not brave enough…
I do find it ironic that you tempt us to websurf when reading the entry, what with all the alluring links!
But I resisted…as I too did the same (websurfing) thing last night and swore I wouldn’t tonight, and was just going to check a few emails, but popped by your blog first, and would have probably followed the links, but I will now shut my laptop – thanks Kimberlee for the reminder and honesty! 
Oh, Kelly, the irony was intentional, believe me. I laughed so hard over this post. It was just so meta, you know?
Good for you for shutting your laptop in a timely manner. I’m going to follow your example and do the same…